Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
