Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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