my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
