I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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