oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
