walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
