Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
