I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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