Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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