Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
