it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
