that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
