mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
