ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm always down for nudity.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize