She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
