Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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