haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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