Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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