I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
