The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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