Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
