My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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