I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
