i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
