sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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