I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
