Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
