i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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