Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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