hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
