I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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