She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
