We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
