he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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