My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
