the condom got lost in my hair
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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