i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize