If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
