history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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