I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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