bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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