im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
