i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
