The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
