Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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