I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
