The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This is my gift to your gina
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
