I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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