I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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