My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
