everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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