I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
