I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
