Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
