3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
