Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
